I'm Just Saying

If you make it into a coveted spot on my "shit list," you must've really done something to piss me off, or repeatedly pissed me off.

It's extremely difficult to make the list and even harder to get off of it.

Don't test me. 😊

Make it a great one!

I am alive. Really alive.

March 13, 2015

The last time you heard from me was about a month ago right? Maybe more? Anyways I suppose I should get you up to speed on what's been going on since my disappearance. In the last month and a half, I.have.changed. I don't just mean physically, but mentally. I am different than I used to be. I feel as if this may be why I haven't written in so long. A lot has happened. A lot has changed. Evidently, I am going to reveal my true identity within the contents of this post. Or at the very least I will reveal my first name out of fear of what could happen to me if I reveal everything. God I feel like Amy Elliot Dunne writing this. (Just finished reading Gone Girl, messed me up real good.)

In the last couple of months since the semester has begun, I have gotten fat again, (I think so, no one else does) was affected by a particularly nasty spell of SAD; (Literally sadness brought on by the winter - seasonal effective disorder) I have been kicking absolute ass at school, my grades are astronomical. I have become a quasi-alcoholic, depending on that drink every weekend to take the stress out of my life. I have borderline hooked up with randoms multiple times, including a guy (yes, you read that right) who was trying to get into my pants while I was blacked out, although I think he was too. If he wasn't he certainly acts like it, I've seen him the past two days on campus. I only know about the ordeal because I came to in the middle of him caressing my hand, and I promptly ran away. That story will most definitely be part of my lost files which I will write hopefully over spring break. What else has happened? Oh! I signed a lease on a house with two of my friends from school, and we all have a little bit of a bromance among the three of us. It's"adorkable." I move out and into my place April 1st. (April fools! Except not really, because it's actually happening.) I worry about myself this summer in the house alone most of the time because my roomies will be returning to their hometowns. I lived like a pilgrim for exactly 4 days when my phone met an unfortunate end. I got into a car accident and fled the scene, only to be followed and screamed at by an angry black woman. I turned down a cruise to Central America! Straight up backed out. My old friends have cut off complete contact with me, and oddly enough, I don't actually care. I have made so many new, real friends in the time since I last wrote, it's inconsequential. I have fallen in and out of love exactly three times, with two and a half people. I am out of shape. I have become the vice president of the PRSSA. I have tried transferring Target stores. (Jury's still out on that one) I am looking for other work opportunities. I now have a real-live Mohawk. (Mixed reviews on that one) I might be getting a new car today, I have been working diligently on my internship, with a bunch of incompetent fools. (I NEED a new one for the summer, preferably paid.) My eyes have stopped degrading. I came into a large sum of cash and promptly paid off most of my debts. I have begun to question myself and my motives, I've begun to see that I am special, to some degree. I am BRILLIANT. I am WITTY. I am WARM. (Another Gone Girl reference, I can't help myself, it's utterly haunting and phenomenal and stuck in my head.) I had a quiet nervous breakdown when I piled too much work onto myself. I'm fine now. I am calling into work Sunday in order to get drunk with my roommates at the St. Paddy's Day Parade. Who am I? My tastes have changed slightly, I like watching hockey and more stupid shows that the male population seem to like to watch without any plot line, or any effort put into the writing at all. I like bad Netflix movies. I like to sip a beer while watching these things. I am a man. I also finally know and understand what and who I want, and one of my lusts actually falls into the cliche of "been right in front of you the whole time." Fuck.

 I say I don't want to marry or have children but this is a lie. A cold painful lie. I want to be a good husband and father. I want the stupid dog, I want the white picket fence, I want to play catch with my kids. I want all that sappy shit. My shell has been cracked. I'm 255% more human than I have ever been and that scares the shit out of me. Drunk Zack (me) can attest to that. The me I am when I am drunk is vastly different from when I am sober. When sober I am cold, calculating, everything is my joke, the world is mine to laugh at. I think deeply before saying something. I think of every scenario and come up with back-up plans on the spot. I am a genius. When I am drunk or high,(I've been smoking lately again, weed and cigarettes.) I become weak. I can't stop words from rolling off of my tongue. I become a "hugger." I have allowed this trait to bleed into my actual life. I like being kind to people, I like human contact. I think depriving myself of it for so long has made me crave it all the more. I like both sides of me I decided, my friends agree. I'm pretty sure I know what direction my life is headed and I love that. There are some things I will not disclose on here, some things that must be kept to myself for the time being. I am a slut. In more ways then one. It is possible, you know. I will let you do what you will with that.

I have begun reading a new book every week. I am well-read. Who am I? You know, I continually bring up the theme of who I am, but the truth is I am me. I am Zack. I am finally happy. I am me. I am hungover and I am ecstatic. I am sure I've forgotten some things but these recollections will come back to me in time.

We'll talk soon.

Zack. (AKA John Doe)

First Day Back

Monday January 26

I like the first day of classes for as many reasons as I hate it. I like it because I usually look sexy, classes are super quick and I get to see who I'll be working with for the next four and a half months. I hate it because I hate the whole introduction/syllabus reading thing, (I'd rather jump into it) I don't like when I know anybody in my classes, and I can't stand how boring it is.

My first class was at 8 a.m. so in order to get there on time and beat traffic I had to wake up at 6:30. It was miserable, especially because I couldn't sleep the night before, like I predicted. My first two classes are totally real world applications. What I mean by that is that I get two clients that I have to do PR work for. I could get into the details, but that's tiresome. Basically, I get these clients one given to me for my first class, (ComedySportz Buffalo) again non-disclosure, and one I get to choose with a group in my second class.  It's riveting because I'm so close to the end I can taste it. 

My third class is a basic computer class I'm taking because last semester my advisor told me to take a bird course. I knew a kid in there who graduated two years after me, and I've only spoken to him a handful of times. I feel bad for not sitting next to him, or on his side of the room.  I didn't know anyone in my first class and only a handful in my second class. It wasn't what I was expecting. Then again, the rest of my usual colleagues are still juniors. I could write about all the awkward   "Hello, my name is _______"  and the stupid ice breakers, but I really don't feel like reliving that awkward mess. Slay me. 

HWG

Wednesday January 21

I swear I'm a werewolf. No joke. So this morning I woke up to my big, dumb, 100-pound Chcolate Lab, Buster breathing by my face. It was early, and I realized I was awake because I was crouched like a creature glaring at him. I felt myself flip up and onto all fours the second I woke up and it was really fast and bizarre. The ONLY reason I know it was real was because he took off running, and I groaned and rolled over and looked at my phone to see what time it was before falling back asleep. Moral of the story: don't mess with me when I'm sleeping, I will pounce like a tiger. I knew it was going to be a weird day when that's how it started.

         Tonight was strange too. Within five minutes of clocking in at work I was bombarded with a co-worker telling me about how she was going to have a meeting with a DA over her abusive boyfriend/ex-boyfriend thing, the phone was ringing with stupid people on the other line and "Hot Wheels Guy" showed up. I suppose I should backtrack a little bit. The specific co-worker I'm referring to is one of the sweetest girls ever and she's actually hilarious too. That's why I feel  so bad for her when she comes to work crying, or tells me her stories about her boyfriend. The poor thing loves him so much that although he has assaulted her on more than one occasion, and even perforated her eardrum she still stays with him. That kind of love is terrifying. She decided to press charges and got a restraining order against him but they got back together. The first time she told me about this guy hitting her, I was furious. One of the worst things a man can do in this world is hit a woman. It's inexcusable and unacceptable. The craziest thing is that they both had a lot of fucked up shit happen to them and that has built and built and you see what happens. I'm just glad she's trying to get out of that situation. People and relationships honestly freak me out. 

I'm not even going to get into the stupid things people call the store for. It's honestly so unbelievable that people can't look up things for themselves. It's lazy. Hot Wheels Guy is this thirty-something-year-old guy who comes in to Target literally three or four times a week in his USPS uniform and destroys the Hot Wheels aisle. He also heckles whoever is working in the back of the store where Electronics and Toys are located, (usually me) to go into the back stockroom and pull out the bulk boxes of the Hot Wheels. I guess he's like a crazy collector or something, and he like really gets into it. One time, he showed me pictures on his phones of all of his stupid Hot Wheels and the guy literally has at least three of each one. He also told me he goes to all the other retail stores in the area and does the same thing. He's literally so annoying, and I always just smile and do whatever he says to get him out of the store quicker. Apparently this was the wrong way to go and I should've just been a douche because every time I see him now he yells out my name obnoxiously, shakes my hand, and talks to me about his wife. It's weird okay. It's even got to the point where he'll tell other employees and my bosses how great I am, and they're like "Who is he, a friend?" And I'm like "No, that's just Hot Wheels Guy."  

It's literally 3:30 a.m. and I'm laying in my bed watching random episodes of Degrassi. I'm not ashamed to say that I have seasons one through twelve of the show on DVD. Everybody I know makes fun of me for it, but I know deep down they all love it too, or at the very least, they've watched it and not hated it. I am so screwed for my 8 a.m. class next week. True Life: My Sleeping Schedule is Messed Up. 

Musings

Saturday January 17

I worked a double today. It was so tiresome. The weird thing is it wasn't that bad, in fact, it was actually a nice change of pace to have something take over my whole day. That and the fact that I let my mind wander to really slutty places today. I made eye contact with a new love  interest that I have as of yesterday. It was steamy. Along with my two existing ones, work got really interesting during my later shift. I don't know if I'm wearing something that makes me smell like an aphrodisiac lately or something but all the attention is definitely appreciated. This may or may not complicate things once school starts next week and I'm back with last semester's whatever-we-are. 

I guess now we play the waiting game. I have a feeling this semester is gonna get me into some trouble. It's my first semester being 21, and the spring semesters tend to be a little more wild. I'm just so so so ready to go back. Oddly enough, I could also really go for some spaghetti right now. That sounds so delicious. It's definitely too late for me to be up right now after working for so long. I'm borderline delirious.  

Jobs

Wednesday January 14

Today was a big day for little old me. I got engaged. No I'm totally kidding, I'm still super single. BUT it was a big day because I kinda sorta pushed my nonsensical anxiety issues to the back burner. Last week I got an email that "Jobsapalooza 2015" was just around the corner. That event was today. Basically it was a job fair at the Buffalo Marriott hotel, that's the hotel where all the big events that aren't in downtown Buffalo take place, it's also the hotel where visiting NFL teams generally stay. 

The event sounded like a great idea and I was so ready to go. I'm at that part of my college career where I need to start thinking past Target and try to snag as many internships as possible. I mean ideally I'm also looking for a job in my field that pays more than what I'm making now. Then today rolled around and I freaked out a little bit. I read through the program online, and saw all of the participating employers and what specific positions they were looking to fill. However, most of the positions being offered were in the more business or financial sectors. There were a few communications openings which of course is my specialty as a public relations and communication studies dual major. Those few were my goal. With my new haircut in tow, I discovered the wonders of hair gel for the first time post-shower. My hair didn't move at all, it was so cool, who knew? 

I left the house a little too early because of how excited I was, so I decided to stop by the mall and get sunglasses and earrings since it was sunny, like really sunny despite the whole 20 degrees thing and I can't hang on to a pair of earrings to save my life. You know, people really treat you differently when you're well dressed. I was dressed in a gray Canali suit jacket, (funny story, I looted that jacket out of the lost-and-found at my old job working laundry and housekeeping at a hotel by Niagara Falls, no way could I actually afford a jacket like that. Holy run on.) a blue plaid shirt from American Eagle, black slacks, and grey dress shoes with blue shoe laces. I was also wearing pink dress socks from Express and Calvin Klein boxer briefs. Those coupled with the faux diamond studs in my ears and my aviators had me feeling like I was in a movie. That was a lot of name dropping but it's only to stress my point that I felt good. That was until I pulled into the parking lot of the hotel, five minutes to one o'clock, when the event was starting. My nerves got the better of me.

All that confidence I had a mere fifteen minutes earlier was flying out the window at a rapid pace. It diminished with every suited man or woman I saw leaving their car and trek across the parking lot to the hotel entrance. I called a friend of mine and informed them of my massive freak out and they told me just to leave. Gee thanks. I really don't know why I felt so small, I realize now because this was my first time stepping into the world of business at large. I texted my mom with my problems and she reassured me as best she could, God bless her and all she deals with, with all of my quirks. And of course as luck would have it, in the middle of our "textversation," my phone died. I was on my own. So I took a deep breath, looked in my rearview mirror and said "screw it, you're hot. Go in there and own this. Start your future." I fixed my tie and got out of my car resumes in hand. I don't know if you know this but job fairs are so awkward. Literally the employers just sit or stand at their respective tables and stare at you hopefully as you walk by. It's intimidating to be completely honest. In those few seconds of them staring I was afraid to make eye contact because that would lead to a conversation about a job that I'm not qualified for or a job that isn't within my passion. The few people who were looking for people in my field were not there when I was, and I can't say I was honestly that surprised, I mean my luck and everything. Overall, I lasted fifteen minutes before I was putting my sunglasses back on and walking the hell out of that hotel. I had enough. Was the entire endeavor unfruitful? Yes, but more importantly I proved to myself that I can go into a professional social setting alone and survive. I'm more adult than I ever have been. Besides, I was the hottest guy in there. Joking of course. Kind of. 

Today was also a big day because my baby brother Elijah turned 7! Good God almighty, he makes me feel old.  I remember the day I came home from school and there he was, those were my "emo" days. I remember them with so much distaste. He and I have come so far, and I'm not ashamed to say that he is one of my best friends. 

I was sent out to get balloons, and banners to hang around the house, whilst my mom made cupcakes for when Eli got home from school. I bought those pointy party hats too, because who doesn't love hats right? I even got my two teenage siblings AJ and Lauryn to wear the party hats for Eli. It was so unexpected because they're both in high school and so I definitely thought they would be "too cool" for the hats. I remember how much of an ass I was at that age. After the birthday boy got home we all went to Dave and Buster's for dinner and to play games. It was so fun for all five of us to actually enjoy being with one another and it is definitely going to be one of the highlights of this break for me.  

Blah blah blah

Monday January 12 - Tuesday January 13

Monday was so boring, literally I sat around with Morgan like we usually do and then we went to run some errands and got Bubble Tea. We also got into a staring contest with a rude girl at the café. Morgan was convinced it was because the girl wore her hair natural and Morgan wears a weave, and I was convinced it was because of me, because I looked really great yesterday. 

Today was another mundane day, the big exciting thing today was that I got a haircut, which was actually monumental considering I've been growing out my hair for like half a year. It was important to me though because, I have a pretty exciting job fair tomorrow. Fingers crossed I get a big boy job. I got my Mohawk back after not having one since last spring. I go to this black barbershop in downtown Niagara Falls and all the guys in there are so educated and nice. That's something that's rare for that part of town. It's called Nelson's Hair Studio. I've been going there for well over a year and the owner, Nelson, told me that I better come back with a story to tell next time, because that's apparently what you do at a barbershop. 

Stfu

Sunday January 11

Socially awkward people drive me insane. Of course, I have my own fits of social awkwardness, but it's not anything to the point of people openly disliking me for that specific trait. There's this woman at work, who is just really out there and over the busy Christmas season she was placed in electronics with me and my crew. I felt bad for the poor girl, we were all already established as a group and I almost felt like a male Plastic. (I'm looking at you Gretchen Wieners.) This girl brought everything upon herself though, and it was bad timing due to the stress of the holidays. In retail we refer to that time as "Hell on Earth." 

The big problem with this girl, Stephanie, was that she talked and talked and I definitely mentioned her before. She would talk over customers, butt into conversations and have random anxiety attacks that would leave her in tears. Now, if she hadn't already put all of her business out there, I wouldn't be doing so now. But she did, so there's that. I think she was just lonely so she always had to keep talking in the hopes that someone would listen. Some of us see therapists, others bring their shit to work. She told everybody her issues and let her emotional state become an impact on her work performance daily.

Apparently she showed multiple co-workers scars on her wrists from where she had cut herself due to the stress of her life. She's a mother of three. I just don't think that's responsible parenting. Like, what would your kids do without you, if you're attention seeking ways went awry? That's such a gamble with fate. She also explained to everyone that she was late for work one day because she was getting treated for lice. Um, ew. She had these highs and lows. According to her, she had these meltdowns because she was mixing depression and anxiety medications. And literally, I'm thinking, okay I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't mix fucking meds. 

Which brings me to today. She came to work early for the specific purpose of talking to someone, and lucky me I was taking my break at that exact moment, so I had to listen to it for 20 minutes. I recorded some of it and put it on Snapchat. I didn't feel bad about it either. I understand wanting to air your shit out, but there are times for that and specific people for that too. Everybody's situation is different but good Lord sister, get it together!  

Facebook

Saturday January 10

Facebook is so annoying. I absolutely hate when people at work add me on Facebook, because then I feel obligated to creep on them and then there's nothing left to the imagination. I like it though because it's means that they trust me enough to know them on a quasi-personal level which is really cool. Sometimes, I think about what it was like before Facebook. Before, we had the ability to post everything and be super judged by everyone who sees it. The 90s/early 2000s were a much simpler time. I bring this up because four people from work added me on Facebook in the last week, one of which I blatantly flirt with weekly. The other three have become routine to me and have been incorporated into my weekly habits. We all chit chat about our lives and about the hot gossip going around Target, and usually I try to talk about football to no avail. It's funny, half of Target is really machismo and into sports and the other is more into like the Kardashians. It's a healthy enough blend. I'm right in between that blend. I've also found that a common denominator among the staff is alcohol. That may or may not be a good thing. 

Passion

Wednesday January 7

Paris. It's one of many cities I'm planning to visit before I die. Paris was attacked by terrorists today and twelve people died. Twelve lives. I had no idea until I scrolled through my Twitter feed. When I started college, I was a journalism major, so I suppose my leftover instinct from that time period came out and I dug deep to learn all I could about these attacks. It was devastating. I mean, Paris is supposed to be the picturesque example of love and beauty right?

In lieu of that debacle, tonight at work something really cool happened. A middle aged woman who later told me her name was Laura came in looking for an SD card for her phone. I helped her with that and had to reassure her like seven times, no joke, that it was the right one for her. Then we got to talking and she started to tell me all about how she needs to card because she's a starting musician and she makes YouTube videos. So I did my usual over enthusiastic "wow that's so cool!" It seemed to me that the poor woman barely got complimented because she was elated from my compliments. So much so that she pulled out her phone and asked me if I had time to watch one of her videos. I said yes and I'm glad I did. This woman must be a musical savant or something. She told me that she can memorize pieces by ear, and play them on her keyboard within a couple times of hearing said song. She played this specific video and I was blown away, it was incredible and the way she looked in the video was something else. She was so into her music, so into her passion. It was what she loved to do, that much was evident. The song she played was absolutely gorgeous. After it was over, I was like bouncing with how good it was and I told her to keep it up, and how great it was and how I could tell that it was what she loved. She looked like she was ready to cry tears of joys. It made me happy to see somebody else so happy. I think I might've given Laura the wrong impression because I'm really into eye contact, and so five minutes later while I was fiddling with something on a shelf, she appeared out of nowhere and thanked me again, and kind of barked out her name, and said it was a pleasure meeting me, I kindly said that the pleasure was all mine. She lingered for a moment and I'm thinking, uh-oh she wants me to ask her out. And then, I thought, no way sister, wrong tree, you could be my mother. But she turned and left in a hurry. It was really bizarre, but I'm glad I met Laura. I hope she goes far with her passion.

Dad

Monday January 5

Life is such a fragile thing you know? It's still crazy to me that Stuart Scott passed away yesterday. He was such an influential part of the sporting world. Even I, who only catches SportsCenter every now and again knew who he was. What I didn't know was that he fought with cancer for seven long years. And that he was only 49. I couldn't even imagine the strength and courage it took to go to work everyday and live each day to its fullest with that kind of struggle going on. I have so much respect for that man and for people who are fighters like that. That is the kind of man I am aspiring to be, someone who is strong, courageous, and a role model to all. I truly think it's important to take a moment and think about all the things that really matter each day.

I woke up this morning to an unexpected surprise. My aunt from my father's side of the family sent me a late Christmas gift. I met her for the first time over the summer so this was a huge surprise, there's a lot of history as to why I haven't communicated or kept in touch with my dad's side of the family until now. I'll expand on that later. Anyway, I opened the gift and it was season seven of The Big Bang Theory...... I HATE The Big Bang Theory. Or so I thought. I have it playing on my television in the background as I write this and I literally just had to pause it because I'm laughing at their jokes and enjoying it. It's so cool how something I thought I disliked actually turned out to be something I could enjoy. It's like when you're younger and as you get older your taste buds change. Growth and all that jazz....... And now Chicago is playing in my head in a loop of All That Jazz and Cell Block Tango. Good Lord. 

I went to the mall with a good friend of mine today for boots and walked out at least $120 poorer and with more shirts and underwear then the one pair of boots I did buy.  It was alright though because this particular friend of mine is the one I know I can go to when I want a really good shit talking session. If you don't have one of those, get one! It's honestly therapeutic. Shit talking is one of the best pastimes you can have in my honest opinion because then when you see the person you shit talk about, it makes it a lot easier to be cordial to their face. 

Now the part I know you've been waiting for, my familial drama. My "daddy problems," if you will. Where to begin, well, let's begin at my birth. (All of this comes from my mother who I absolutely trust completely, so I know 100% it's the truth) My father was not there when I was born. In fact, I wasn't even planned. When my mom was 16 she met my dad who was 23. According to her, he saw her across the dance floor at whatever club they were at. He approached her and they started dating for three years. At the time of my conception, they were still together but apparently broke up right after she found out about me. Back to my birth, it wasn't until I was one that my father decided to be my father. Keep in mind, he already had my three older brothers with another woman. And then poof, he disappeared out of my life just as quickly as he reappeared into it. Fast-forward about 6 or 7 years, (I'm not completely sure, I have memory problems when it comes to this time in my life, so I'll recount what I know and what I remember.) he wanted to be back in my life. By this point, my mom was married to who is now her ex-husband, my stepfather, and the father of my three younger siblings. All those years, I thought he was my dad. Nobody ever told me otherwise. So, when I found out about my biological dad, I had to meet him, I think I knew even back then deep down that my stepfather wasn't my dad. I think I knew something was off. So I met my dad for the first time, and things between my stepdad and I were never the same. We would go on to get into screaming matches and fist fights, and just constant bickering well into my teenage years. It was only recently that we both finally petered out and accepted one another. But back to my dad. During the week, I would live with my mom and then on weekends my dad would take me and I would stay with him. This is where things get foggy. During my stay with my dad I met my three older brothers who would also stay on the weekends and my younger brother who lived with my dad full-time. I also met my father's wife. She didn't take a keen liking to any of us older boys, and I remember she would sit on the couch all day, miserable. And then... nothing. I can remember anything and when I try I get these super intense headaches. I think the whole thing traumatized me, being so young and impressionable, and I hope that's all it is, because somewhere deep down I fear that something much more serious happened to me and I just don't know. It makes me want to see a hypnotist and have them recover my lost memories. The weekend visits stopped one day, and I found out a couple of months ago that my mom was the cause behind the visits ceasing. She told me that I used to say that my father's wife was mean to me. I'm terrified to ask her if I said anything else during that time, because if something really bad did happen, I'd rather not remember it. It just scares me. My older brothers continued to visit with my father, and now I work with one of them at Target and he told me that my father told him and my other brothers that I didn't come around anymore because I moved to Florida. Which never happened. Eventually he stopped picking them up on the weekends as well. They all share a deep dislike for him and an even deeper dislike for my father's wife. I don't know how I feel, I used to feel angry, but now I don't feel anything towards the subject, it's like I've been numbed. Unfortunately my brothers and I lost contact and I didn't see them again until I was 18 when my brother was hospitalized for an overdose and we still remained out of contact after that. Now, working with one of my older brothers is the first time I have spoken with and felt connected to them in almost a decade and a half. I saw my father at a basketball game in my senior year of high school and he made me meet all of his friends and was bragging about how I was going to college. I saw him again that summer at an amusement park with his wife, my little brother, and my sister who was born after my father and I parted ways. I remember feeling heartbroken when walking away I could hear the sister that I never met ask "Daddy, who is that?" And now fast-forward again 2 more years. I was 20, when I got the Facebook message that my father was really sick and could possibly die. It was from my younger brother, the one who lives with him. My father was put in a life vest that would shock him back to life if his heart stopped. He began texting me and messaging me on Facebook, and we started talking regularly as any father and son would. I think he realized how much of an ass he had been my whole life, and I decided to forgive him. I let go of all the anger, the resentment, and I forgave him. Our relationship now is healthier then it has ever been. My older brothers are another story, they have zero contact with him. Which brings me to the aunt who sent me the Christmas gift. Over the summer, I met that entire side of the family for what was pretty much the first time, including my grandmother who teared up when she saw me, and told me that she looks at an old picture of me from when I was a boy every day. It was so crazy that all of these people knew me but I didn't know them. Here I am a grown damn man meeting his family for the first time. It's indescribable. 

I think I'm gonna leave it there for today. I'm sorry if it looks like I'm all over the place, which is probably because I kind of am all over the place today. It just feels so weird to have all of that out in the open, but I do this in the hopes that not only people understand me better but that people take something away from reading these entries. And of course for the shock value ;) kidding, kidding.