I am alive. Really alive.

March 13, 2015

The last time you heard from me was about a month ago right? Maybe more? Anyways I suppose I should get you up to speed on what's been going on since my disappearance. In the last month and a half, I.have.changed. I don't just mean physically, but mentally. I am different than I used to be. I feel as if this may be why I haven't written in so long. A lot has happened. A lot has changed. Evidently, I am going to reveal my true identity within the contents of this post. Or at the very least I will reveal my first name out of fear of what could happen to me if I reveal everything. God I feel like Amy Elliot Dunne writing this. (Just finished reading Gone Girl, messed me up real good.)

In the last couple of months since the semester has begun, I have gotten fat again, (I think so, no one else does) was affected by a particularly nasty spell of SAD; (Literally sadness brought on by the winter - seasonal effective disorder) I have been kicking absolute ass at school, my grades are astronomical. I have become a quasi-alcoholic, depending on that drink every weekend to take the stress out of my life. I have borderline hooked up with randoms multiple times, including a guy (yes, you read that right) who was trying to get into my pants while I was blacked out, although I think he was too. If he wasn't he certainly acts like it, I've seen him the past two days on campus. I only know about the ordeal because I came to in the middle of him caressing my hand, and I promptly ran away. That story will most definitely be part of my lost files which I will write hopefully over spring break. What else has happened? Oh! I signed a lease on a house with two of my friends from school, and we all have a little bit of a bromance among the three of us. It's"adorkable." I move out and into my place April 1st. (April fools! Except not really, because it's actually happening.) I worry about myself this summer in the house alone most of the time because my roomies will be returning to their hometowns. I lived like a pilgrim for exactly 4 days when my phone met an unfortunate end. I got into a car accident and fled the scene, only to be followed and screamed at by an angry black woman. I turned down a cruise to Central America! Straight up backed out. My old friends have cut off complete contact with me, and oddly enough, I don't actually care. I have made so many new, real friends in the time since I last wrote, it's inconsequential. I have fallen in and out of love exactly three times, with two and a half people. I am out of shape. I have become the vice president of the PRSSA. I have tried transferring Target stores. (Jury's still out on that one) I am looking for other work opportunities. I now have a real-live Mohawk. (Mixed reviews on that one) I might be getting a new car today, I have been working diligently on my internship, with a bunch of incompetent fools. (I NEED a new one for the summer, preferably paid.) My eyes have stopped degrading. I came into a large sum of cash and promptly paid off most of my debts. I have begun to question myself and my motives, I've begun to see that I am special, to some degree. I am BRILLIANT. I am WITTY. I am WARM. (Another Gone Girl reference, I can't help myself, it's utterly haunting and phenomenal and stuck in my head.) I had a quiet nervous breakdown when I piled too much work onto myself. I'm fine now. I am calling into work Sunday in order to get drunk with my roommates at the St. Paddy's Day Parade. Who am I? My tastes have changed slightly, I like watching hockey and more stupid shows that the male population seem to like to watch without any plot line, or any effort put into the writing at all. I like bad Netflix movies. I like to sip a beer while watching these things. I am a man. I also finally know and understand what and who I want, and one of my lusts actually falls into the cliche of "been right in front of you the whole time." Fuck.

 I say I don't want to marry or have children but this is a lie. A cold painful lie. I want to be a good husband and father. I want the stupid dog, I want the white picket fence, I want to play catch with my kids. I want all that sappy shit. My shell has been cracked. I'm 255% more human than I have ever been and that scares the shit out of me. Drunk Zack (me) can attest to that. The me I am when I am drunk is vastly different from when I am sober. When sober I am cold, calculating, everything is my joke, the world is mine to laugh at. I think deeply before saying something. I think of every scenario and come up with back-up plans on the spot. I am a genius. When I am drunk or high,(I've been smoking lately again, weed and cigarettes.) I become weak. I can't stop words from rolling off of my tongue. I become a "hugger." I have allowed this trait to bleed into my actual life. I like being kind to people, I like human contact. I think depriving myself of it for so long has made me crave it all the more. I like both sides of me I decided, my friends agree. I'm pretty sure I know what direction my life is headed and I love that. There are some things I will not disclose on here, some things that must be kept to myself for the time being. I am a slut. In more ways then one. It is possible, you know. I will let you do what you will with that.

I have begun reading a new book every week. I am well-read. Who am I? You know, I continually bring up the theme of who I am, but the truth is I am me. I am Zack. I am finally happy. I am me. I am hungover and I am ecstatic. I am sure I've forgotten some things but these recollections will come back to me in time.

We'll talk soon.

Zack. (AKA John Doe)

Concerto

Sunday January 4

After I woke up this morning or rather this afternoon, I saw the new Annie movie. My entire family piled into the car and went to the movies together. It's nice that we can take the time out of our busy schedules to spend time like that together. The movie was freaking adorable. By halfway through I was getting really into it and by the end I was overjoyed. I mean obviously we all know how the tale of little orphan Annie ends but getting to that ending was worth the ride. 

Target was super dead, but my ride home definitely wasn't. The song of the night was a tie between Grand Theft Autumn by Fall Out Boy and Showstopper by Brandon and Leah. Such a weird combination but both songs are fantastic, I definitely recommend listening to them if you haven't. You know, I went to a Fall Out Boy and Paramore concert of the summer and it was one of the best concerts I have ever been to. I mean the weather was shitty and rainy but that totally added to the experience, that and the fact that I was under the influence. I went with a couple of my friends and my friend's cousin from LA. The LA cousin drove and when we were nearly to the amphitheater she whips out a bag of pot cookies. Now, back in high school I was the occasional pot smoker but it's never been my cup of tea, I much prefer more liquid forms of entertainment. But on this particular day I was feeling pretty ballsy, and so when she asked if we wanted any I said "hell yes!" I ate three in total. I've heard that edibles effect you harder than smoking, but I had no idea how right that notion was. LA cousin said that the marijuana in the cookies was from a distillery that her friend frequents so it was some strong shit. Throughout Paramore's set list I simply grinned and swayed back and forth, it was unreal. By the time Fall Out Boy came out it had worn off for the most part and I "raged" with the rest of the crowd. I love concerts because of the energy all around. I mean, you can just feel the electricity in the air as everyone is hyped up on their love of music, and in those few hours a bond is formed among the audience. 

Man, reading this whole thing back is putting me right to sleep. Boring entry for a boring day I suppose.