HWG

Wednesday January 21

I swear I'm a werewolf. No joke. So this morning I woke up to my big, dumb, 100-pound Chcolate Lab, Buster breathing by my face. It was early, and I realized I was awake because I was crouched like a creature glaring at him. I felt myself flip up and onto all fours the second I woke up and it was really fast and bizarre. The ONLY reason I know it was real was because he took off running, and I groaned and rolled over and looked at my phone to see what time it was before falling back asleep. Moral of the story: don't mess with me when I'm sleeping, I will pounce like a tiger. I knew it was going to be a weird day when that's how it started.

         Tonight was strange too. Within five minutes of clocking in at work I was bombarded with a co-worker telling me about how she was going to have a meeting with a DA over her abusive boyfriend/ex-boyfriend thing, the phone was ringing with stupid people on the other line and "Hot Wheels Guy" showed up. I suppose I should backtrack a little bit. The specific co-worker I'm referring to is one of the sweetest girls ever and she's actually hilarious too. That's why I feel  so bad for her when she comes to work crying, or tells me her stories about her boyfriend. The poor thing loves him so much that although he has assaulted her on more than one occasion, and even perforated her eardrum she still stays with him. That kind of love is terrifying. She decided to press charges and got a restraining order against him but they got back together. The first time she told me about this guy hitting her, I was furious. One of the worst things a man can do in this world is hit a woman. It's inexcusable and unacceptable. The craziest thing is that they both had a lot of fucked up shit happen to them and that has built and built and you see what happens. I'm just glad she's trying to get out of that situation. People and relationships honestly freak me out. 

I'm not even going to get into the stupid things people call the store for. It's honestly so unbelievable that people can't look up things for themselves. It's lazy. Hot Wheels Guy is this thirty-something-year-old guy who comes in to Target literally three or four times a week in his USPS uniform and destroys the Hot Wheels aisle. He also heckles whoever is working in the back of the store where Electronics and Toys are located, (usually me) to go into the back stockroom and pull out the bulk boxes of the Hot Wheels. I guess he's like a crazy collector or something, and he like really gets into it. One time, he showed me pictures on his phones of all of his stupid Hot Wheels and the guy literally has at least three of each one. He also told me he goes to all the other retail stores in the area and does the same thing. He's literally so annoying, and I always just smile and do whatever he says to get him out of the store quicker. Apparently this was the wrong way to go and I should've just been a douche because every time I see him now he yells out my name obnoxiously, shakes my hand, and talks to me about his wife. It's weird okay. It's even got to the point where he'll tell other employees and my bosses how great I am, and they're like "Who is he, a friend?" And I'm like "No, that's just Hot Wheels Guy."  

It's literally 3:30 a.m. and I'm laying in my bed watching random episodes of Degrassi. I'm not ashamed to say that I have seasons one through twelve of the show on DVD. Everybody I know makes fun of me for it, but I know deep down they all love it too, or at the very least, they've watched it and not hated it. I am so screwed for my 8 a.m. class next week. True Life: My Sleeping Schedule is Messed Up. 

Jobs

Wednesday January 14

Today was a big day for little old me. I got engaged. No I'm totally kidding, I'm still super single. BUT it was a big day because I kinda sorta pushed my nonsensical anxiety issues to the back burner. Last week I got an email that "Jobsapalooza 2015" was just around the corner. That event was today. Basically it was a job fair at the Buffalo Marriott hotel, that's the hotel where all the big events that aren't in downtown Buffalo take place, it's also the hotel where visiting NFL teams generally stay. 

The event sounded like a great idea and I was so ready to go. I'm at that part of my college career where I need to start thinking past Target and try to snag as many internships as possible. I mean ideally I'm also looking for a job in my field that pays more than what I'm making now. Then today rolled around and I freaked out a little bit. I read through the program online, and saw all of the participating employers and what specific positions they were looking to fill. However, most of the positions being offered were in the more business or financial sectors. There were a few communications openings which of course is my specialty as a public relations and communication studies dual major. Those few were my goal. With my new haircut in tow, I discovered the wonders of hair gel for the first time post-shower. My hair didn't move at all, it was so cool, who knew? 

I left the house a little too early because of how excited I was, so I decided to stop by the mall and get sunglasses and earrings since it was sunny, like really sunny despite the whole 20 degrees thing and I can't hang on to a pair of earrings to save my life. You know, people really treat you differently when you're well dressed. I was dressed in a gray Canali suit jacket, (funny story, I looted that jacket out of the lost-and-found at my old job working laundry and housekeeping at a hotel by Niagara Falls, no way could I actually afford a jacket like that. Holy run on.) a blue plaid shirt from American Eagle, black slacks, and grey dress shoes with blue shoe laces. I was also wearing pink dress socks from Express and Calvin Klein boxer briefs. Those coupled with the faux diamond studs in my ears and my aviators had me feeling like I was in a movie. That was a lot of name dropping but it's only to stress my point that I felt good. That was until I pulled into the parking lot of the hotel, five minutes to one o'clock, when the event was starting. My nerves got the better of me.

All that confidence I had a mere fifteen minutes earlier was flying out the window at a rapid pace. It diminished with every suited man or woman I saw leaving their car and trek across the parking lot to the hotel entrance. I called a friend of mine and informed them of my massive freak out and they told me just to leave. Gee thanks. I really don't know why I felt so small, I realize now because this was my first time stepping into the world of business at large. I texted my mom with my problems and she reassured me as best she could, God bless her and all she deals with, with all of my quirks. And of course as luck would have it, in the middle of our "textversation," my phone died. I was on my own. So I took a deep breath, looked in my rearview mirror and said "screw it, you're hot. Go in there and own this. Start your future." I fixed my tie and got out of my car resumes in hand. I don't know if you know this but job fairs are so awkward. Literally the employers just sit or stand at their respective tables and stare at you hopefully as you walk by. It's intimidating to be completely honest. In those few seconds of them staring I was afraid to make eye contact because that would lead to a conversation about a job that I'm not qualified for or a job that isn't within my passion. The few people who were looking for people in my field were not there when I was, and I can't say I was honestly that surprised, I mean my luck and everything. Overall, I lasted fifteen minutes before I was putting my sunglasses back on and walking the hell out of that hotel. I had enough. Was the entire endeavor unfruitful? Yes, but more importantly I proved to myself that I can go into a professional social setting alone and survive. I'm more adult than I ever have been. Besides, I was the hottest guy in there. Joking of course. Kind of. 

Today was also a big day because my baby brother Elijah turned 7! Good God almighty, he makes me feel old.  I remember the day I came home from school and there he was, those were my "emo" days. I remember them with so much distaste. He and I have come so far, and I'm not ashamed to say that he is one of my best friends. 

I was sent out to get balloons, and banners to hang around the house, whilst my mom made cupcakes for when Eli got home from school. I bought those pointy party hats too, because who doesn't love hats right? I even got my two teenage siblings AJ and Lauryn to wear the party hats for Eli. It was so unexpected because they're both in high school and so I definitely thought they would be "too cool" for the hats. I remember how much of an ass I was at that age. After the birthday boy got home we all went to Dave and Buster's for dinner and to play games. It was so fun for all five of us to actually enjoy being with one another and it is definitely going to be one of the highlights of this break for me.  

Stfu

Sunday January 11

Socially awkward people drive me insane. Of course, I have my own fits of social awkwardness, but it's not anything to the point of people openly disliking me for that specific trait. There's this woman at work, who is just really out there and over the busy Christmas season she was placed in electronics with me and my crew. I felt bad for the poor girl, we were all already established as a group and I almost felt like a male Plastic. (I'm looking at you Gretchen Wieners.) This girl brought everything upon herself though, and it was bad timing due to the stress of the holidays. In retail we refer to that time as "Hell on Earth." 

The big problem with this girl, Stephanie, was that she talked and talked and I definitely mentioned her before. She would talk over customers, butt into conversations and have random anxiety attacks that would leave her in tears. Now, if she hadn't already put all of her business out there, I wouldn't be doing so now. But she did, so there's that. I think she was just lonely so she always had to keep talking in the hopes that someone would listen. Some of us see therapists, others bring their shit to work. She told everybody her issues and let her emotional state become an impact on her work performance daily.

Apparently she showed multiple co-workers scars on her wrists from where she had cut herself due to the stress of her life. She's a mother of three. I just don't think that's responsible parenting. Like, what would your kids do without you, if you're attention seeking ways went awry? That's such a gamble with fate. She also explained to everyone that she was late for work one day because she was getting treated for lice. Um, ew. She had these highs and lows. According to her, she had these meltdowns because she was mixing depression and anxiety medications. And literally, I'm thinking, okay I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't mix fucking meds. 

Which brings me to today. She came to work early for the specific purpose of talking to someone, and lucky me I was taking my break at that exact moment, so I had to listen to it for 20 minutes. I recorded some of it and put it on Snapchat. I didn't feel bad about it either. I understand wanting to air your shit out, but there are times for that and specific people for that too. Everybody's situation is different but good Lord sister, get it together!  

Retail

Friday January 2

Who ever said working in retail was easy, was a damn liar. With that being said its one of the most interesting experiences of my life. It forces me daily to question the future of the human race. Okay, now that may be a little overdramatic, but really some of the things I see and hear make me either want to laugh hysterically or shake my head in a slow and disappointed kind of way. Or both, at the same time. Retail has also taught me that I have several pet peeves I was not aware of before being put in retail.

Take tonight for example. The first Friday of the month. Usually that would mean payday for most, (such as was the case for myself) or for another part of society, as many of you many know the day before was the day those on welfare and benefits get their, well, benefits and welfare. So that coupled with payday is sure to lead to some kind of chaos. Target was a battle zone, a free-for-all, and a mad frenzy. There was even an extremely loud woman who had an obvious drug problem pushing around a cart with a chihuahua in it. Why was the chihuahua in the cart? Your guess is as good as mine. There was a woman who had twins named Anthony and Antonella. I wonder what their father's name was? When I arrived on the Target scene there was a little boy no older than six playing Maroon 5 songs on the tablet displays and belting out the lyrics at the top of his lungs.  Phone calls rang incessantly, people were getting nasty and rude all around and it was almost anarchy. Overdramatic, I know, I know. By the way, the "Maroon 5 kid" was there for at least half an hour, while his father was off in who knows where. In today's society, leaving my kid for that would've scared the living crap out of me. I don't know maybe I'm just crazy? 

I absolutely cannot stand when people do not use proper manners when calling the store. It never fails to drive me absolutely insane. Sometimes people are just SO rude and inconsiderate, like I am trying to help you, do NOT give me an attitude right off the bat. Speaking of phone calls I am 99.9% sure that I spoke on the phone today with Stephen Hawking, either that or it was one of the most robotic, monotone voices I have ever had the pleasure of hearing.

Another thing about Target is that I work in the Electronics Department exclusively and so people often ask really stupid questions. And I know that sounds bad because "there's no such thing as a stupid question." Except that's wrong and there are totally stupid questions. People asking the price of something when it says right in front of it the price....STUPID. People asking what Wi-Fi is.......STUPID. People asking how to install an air conditioner....STUPID. (True story, it happened once.) The list goes on and on and is endless, but you get the picture. And I can hear you now: "that IS stupid, I would never ask questions like that." Until you do, but I digress.  Another perk of being in Electronics is that I'm by the wall of TVs on their infinite loop. The loops generally consist of commercials and a music advertisement of some sort. Last month it was Idina Menzel's Christmas album, (Did you know she was married to Taye Diggs for 10 years, because I sure as hell didn't.) and this month it's a clip featuring the chorus of It's a Hard Knock Life from the new rendition of Annie. Joy. Every time it comes on I want to hard knock life the shit out of the TVs. 

I feel really bad about this because you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, but let's real, real quick, we all do. So when customers (in Target-land we refer to them as guests, cue eye-roll) come in to the store and they're not looking so hot, I'm not any less kind or welcoming on the outside but internally as they're talking to me I'm usually thinking things like "why would you leave the house like that?" or "oh my gosh, you look like shit, let me help you!" I even feel bad writing it but come on, I know I'm not the only one. I'm not a ten by any means, and I don't always dress up to par, but I don't know when I look bad, I feel bad. But hey, if you have enough confidence to rock that, then by all means do your thing!

Target might one day lead me to a mental breakdown.