Re-uploaded posts

There are a couple of posts that were Re-uploaded because I had to take out some nasty dialogue, that I simply couldn't have polluting my blog any longer. Any other hurtful things within the confines of this page, towards mostly anybody doesn't equate to how I feel any longer. A part of me accepting true happiness was to let go of many demons and grudges that I carried within myself. It's important to me that anybody hurt by any of my words can approach me about them and they need to know I don't care anymore and I will welcome anybody with open arms, if they'll have me. This I mean wholeheartedly.

One more thing that I find important to mention is that I will not be commenting on the physicality of my private relationships because frankly what I do and who with is not anybody's business besides those involved. It's a disrespect otherwise, it's too unfortunate we live in a time where others don't share these views. If I choose to share, I will. I believe I can attribute this thinking to my upbringing where speaking about anything "adult" was nonexistent.

Dbhsskaaba

I'm drunk and I want to cry but I'm so happy fuck

Notes from my phone....

While I'm writing meticulously at Today's entry, well now yesterdays entry, I thought it'd be funny to put up some of the notes from my phone. They show just how over the place my mind is, and often if I don't write something down, I will forget it 100℅.

Jobs

Wednesday January 14

Today was a big day for little old me. I got engaged. No I'm totally kidding, I'm still super single. BUT it was a big day because I kinda sorta pushed my nonsensical anxiety issues to the back burner. Last week I got an email that "Jobsapalooza 2015" was just around the corner. That event was today. Basically it was a job fair at the Buffalo Marriott hotel, that's the hotel where all the big events that aren't in downtown Buffalo take place, it's also the hotel where visiting NFL teams generally stay. 

The event sounded like a great idea and I was so ready to go. I'm at that part of my college career where I need to start thinking past Target and try to snag as many internships as possible. I mean ideally I'm also looking for a job in my field that pays more than what I'm making now. Then today rolled around and I freaked out a little bit. I read through the program online, and saw all of the participating employers and what specific positions they were looking to fill. However, most of the positions being offered were in the more business or financial sectors. There were a few communications openings which of course is my specialty as a public relations and communication studies dual major. Those few were my goal. With my new haircut in tow, I discovered the wonders of hair gel for the first time post-shower. My hair didn't move at all, it was so cool, who knew? 

I left the house a little too early because of how excited I was, so I decided to stop by the mall and get sunglasses and earrings since it was sunny, like really sunny despite the whole 20 degrees thing and I can't hang on to a pair of earrings to save my life. You know, people really treat you differently when you're well dressed. I was dressed in a gray Canali suit jacket, (funny story, I looted that jacket out of the lost-and-found at my old job working laundry and housekeeping at a hotel by Niagara Falls, no way could I actually afford a jacket like that. Holy run on.) a blue plaid shirt from American Eagle, black slacks, and grey dress shoes with blue shoe laces. I was also wearing pink dress socks from Express and Calvin Klein boxer briefs. Those coupled with the faux diamond studs in my ears and my aviators had me feeling like I was in a movie. That was a lot of name dropping but it's only to stress my point that I felt good. That was until I pulled into the parking lot of the hotel, five minutes to one o'clock, when the event was starting. My nerves got the better of me.

All that confidence I had a mere fifteen minutes earlier was flying out the window at a rapid pace. It diminished with every suited man or woman I saw leaving their car and trek across the parking lot to the hotel entrance. I called a friend of mine and informed them of my massive freak out and they told me just to leave. Gee thanks. I really don't know why I felt so small, I realize now because this was my first time stepping into the world of business at large. I texted my mom with my problems and she reassured me as best she could, God bless her and all she deals with, with all of my quirks. And of course as luck would have it, in the middle of our "textversation," my phone died. I was on my own. So I took a deep breath, looked in my rearview mirror and said "screw it, you're hot. Go in there and own this. Start your future." I fixed my tie and got out of my car resumes in hand. I don't know if you know this but job fairs are so awkward. Literally the employers just sit or stand at their respective tables and stare at you hopefully as you walk by. It's intimidating to be completely honest. In those few seconds of them staring I was afraid to make eye contact because that would lead to a conversation about a job that I'm not qualified for or a job that isn't within my passion. The few people who were looking for people in my field were not there when I was, and I can't say I was honestly that surprised, I mean my luck and everything. Overall, I lasted fifteen minutes before I was putting my sunglasses back on and walking the hell out of that hotel. I had enough. Was the entire endeavor unfruitful? Yes, but more importantly I proved to myself that I can go into a professional social setting alone and survive. I'm more adult than I ever have been. Besides, I was the hottest guy in there. Joking of course. Kind of. 

Today was also a big day because my baby brother Elijah turned 7! Good God almighty, he makes me feel old.  I remember the day I came home from school and there he was, those were my "emo" days. I remember them with so much distaste. He and I have come so far, and I'm not ashamed to say that he is one of my best friends. 

I was sent out to get balloons, and banners to hang around the house, whilst my mom made cupcakes for when Eli got home from school. I bought those pointy party hats too, because who doesn't love hats right? I even got my two teenage siblings AJ and Lauryn to wear the party hats for Eli. It was so unexpected because they're both in high school and so I definitely thought they would be "too cool" for the hats. I remember how much of an ass I was at that age. After the birthday boy got home we all went to Dave and Buster's for dinner and to play games. It was so fun for all five of us to actually enjoy being with one another and it is definitely going to be one of the highlights of this break for me.  

Stfu

Sunday January 11

Socially awkward people drive me insane. Of course, I have my own fits of social awkwardness, but it's not anything to the point of people openly disliking me for that specific trait. There's this woman at work, who is just really out there and over the busy Christmas season she was placed in electronics with me and my crew. I felt bad for the poor girl, we were all already established as a group and I almost felt like a male Plastic. (I'm looking at you Gretchen Wieners.) This girl brought everything upon herself though, and it was bad timing due to the stress of the holidays. In retail we refer to that time as "Hell on Earth." 

The big problem with this girl, Stephanie, was that she talked and talked and I definitely mentioned her before. She would talk over customers, butt into conversations and have random anxiety attacks that would leave her in tears. Now, if she hadn't already put all of her business out there, I wouldn't be doing so now. But she did, so there's that. I think she was just lonely so she always had to keep talking in the hopes that someone would listen. Some of us see therapists, others bring their shit to work. She told everybody her issues and let her emotional state become an impact on her work performance daily.

Apparently she showed multiple co-workers scars on her wrists from where she had cut herself due to the stress of her life. She's a mother of three. I just don't think that's responsible parenting. Like, what would your kids do without you, if you're attention seeking ways went awry? That's such a gamble with fate. She also explained to everyone that she was late for work one day because she was getting treated for lice. Um, ew. She had these highs and lows. According to her, she had these meltdowns because she was mixing depression and anxiety medications. And literally, I'm thinking, okay I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't mix fucking meds. 

Which brings me to today. She came to work early for the specific purpose of talking to someone, and lucky me I was taking my break at that exact moment, so I had to listen to it for 20 minutes. I recorded some of it and put it on Snapchat. I didn't feel bad about it either. I understand wanting to air your shit out, but there are times for that and specific people for that too. Everybody's situation is different but good Lord sister, get it together!  

New Years

Thursday January 1

Here we are 2015! 2014 was a rather eventful year for me, so much happened and I really learned a lot about myself and what I want and who I want to be. We are always told to embrace our differences, and I am finally beginning to do just that. Somehow over the course of the year, I became an "anti-conformist." But honestly enough of that boring, mundane shit. Let's talk about last night. Last night got a little too real and it was the first time in a long time that I have felt like the 21-year-old college student that I am. I guess I should start at the beginning.

Since summer I had this grandiose plan for New Years but of course life happened, and those plans fell through. Basically what it boils down to is that I forgot to request off of work, stupid I know. I work at Target and as far as jobs go, it's not difficult at all. I'm in the Electronics department so basically I get to be the geek I was born to be on a daily basis. One of my favorite pastimes is explaining Wi-Fi to the elderly. Veering away from my Target tangent, (check out that alliteration, huh?) the New Years Eve plan was as follows: get a huge group of people together, get a hotel room and split the cost of the room and booze all around. Said room would be in the heart of Downtown Buffalo so it would only be a quick skip and a step to see the ball drop at midnight, then beneath the display of fireworks and among the cheering and screaming I would share my very first New Years kiss with a complete stranger, who would then come back to the room with us and we would talk until sunrise and then go out for coffee, or have sex. In either order. That was the plan. Sounds perfect right?  Instead, I worked until Target closed at 9 p.m. And I went to a friend's house to hang out with her and another friend. The three of us literally hung out as we usually would and it was so average. It wasn't what I hoped for but that doesn't necessarily mean it sucked. I've begun to accept that as I grow older unless you really put the effort into something usually it'll end up boring at some point. 

I decided to play with the cards I was dealt and I still had half a bottle of Bacardi Mango Infusion leftover from Thanksgiving break. It was one of those really large bottles, you know? So with that bottle in hand  I set off to my friend's house totally expecting to return home that night. I should've known better. Once I arrived both of my compadres were just lounging on the couches in the living room. I could tell with a glance that one of them was already trashed. They had drunk a bottle of wine while I was at work. After the initial greetings we decided to start taking shots. First shot went down too easy, so I did another and then we all came to the joint realization that what we thought was vodka in my bottle was actually water. One of my younger siblings, (who still have yet to own up to it) had taken my alcohol and replaced it with water. By this point I had already made up my mind that I didn't want to be sober tonight, so I took to Google to search for places that were open and sold alcohol. That's how I ended up at a gas station and walking out with an 18-pack of beer and a very large "Mang-O-Rita." Back at the house the "trashed girl," got even trashier to the point that we cut her off and as she reached for the still mostly full Mang-O-Rita I stupidly did what I could to stop her from drinking more: I chugged the whole thing. This was what opened Pandora's Box and from there it was past the point of no return. Beer after beer, I could hear myself starting to make less and less sense with every word that left my lips. And then, midnight struck and through the TV and the two girls all you heard was a chorus of "Happy New Years!" and screaming. I simply sat there in silence staring at the phone in my hands waiting for something, anything. Maybe something from my big crush of the semester, I don't know. I couldn't tell you, I think I was just waiting for something out of the ordinary. And when that didn't come, I tossed my phone aside and chugged three beers in rapid succession. Both girls noticed my shift in demeanor and started to ask me what was wrong, and I kept changing the subject because I honestly didn't know. I think it was because I was comparing what happened to what could've been. From this point I was drunk, and it was enough to dodge their questions and to feign happiness. I was so drunk that I didn't even care when both decided to go to sleep and I quickly followed suit because the night was over. And that was it. I drove home this morning in silence, hoping that next year isn't so lackluster and that maybe I will get that New Years kiss either from somebody I actually care deeply for or from that magical stranger that would become my destiny.