I'm in Trouble

Yesterday, I was so content with a monogamous relationship. Not that I'm in one of course, I just felt like going into the new semester with a significant other, and it felt like I was FINALLY ready to settle down.

And then...... today happened. Today was move-in day for the freshmen of Buffalo State College, and I work in the Target closest to the school. Literally 5 minutes away, so you should be able to start piecing together my thinking now. This particular freshmen class were all in the store today buying last minute stuff for their dorm rooms, a lot of it electronics which is in my department of the store. This class is hot. Like really attractive. I don't know man, I was having some crazy sexy thoughts. I was flirting HARD today. This scares me because this is my first true semester not living at home at all.

So you see, this semester can go one of two ways. I can settle down for a while with a "bae," or I could not. There's a part of me, and I don't know how dominant that part may be, but I want to unleash the beast. Whether that's on one or many remains to be seen. I. am. scared. If somebody locks this down soon, these thoughts will cease immediately, but if not.......

How Much Does Personal Appearance Have to do with Perception?



Left - Before (with a slight shave)
Right - After



For the last two weeks, I've been conducting a little social experiment on how people perceive/treat you differently depending on aesthetic factors. In lamens terms, attractiveness. The experiment was conducte on my peers and customers at the Target store where I work in North Buffalo.

I have only been working in this Target store since April, due to transferring from the Niagara Falls Target store. Right around this time I decided to stop cutting my hair. I think I was going through a BoHo phase, or maybe I was just plain cheap, I couldn't tell you; the point is I had never had my hair short at my new store, I had also stopped shaving for the most part, and wore only my glasses, never contacts.



Two weeks ago, I buzzed off all of my lucious curls, and I decided to go the whole nine yards after receiving compliment after compliment on my hair. This led me to the creation of my hyptohesis, which was: the more effort I put into my appearence, the more likely people were going to A.) treat me abnormally and B.) customers would be more willing to buy things from me. The next day I showed up in a Target polo, tight khakis with a belt around my waist (typically I would wear khakis with some sag to them and no belt.), my earrings in, contacts in, chapstick on (making my lips look fuller and shinier in a "manish" way, and white Nike Air Sneakers (usually I would wear a pair of Nike running shoes). I shaved my unruly beard into something much more tame and not so long; just a thin chin strap to accent my face better. I also threw on a splash of cologne for good measure.

The response was instantaeneous. Over the course of the next week my co-workers were asking "where are your glasses?" There were also a ton of double takes from my peers and customer's alike. Some of my co-workers thought I was somebody else entirely or a new employee. The compliments and exclamations of disbelief kept on pouring in. Eye contact increased, people smiled upon laying eyes on me, and I have found that I was approached with questions more and more.

The other thing that I found insane was how different I felt. I felt confident. I found myself smiling for no reason, and I found myself flashing my teeth and teasing my co-workers and customers. I found myself flirting harder than I ever had with everyone. I used lines and winks that I didn't even know I had in me. I was bubbly, and now I realize I had become an independant variable, and an unexpected one at that.



I think the mixture of my confidence and people bolstering that confidence led to the biggest increase in my sales. People have begun buying things without question simply because I suggested it and smiled. I've also begun to get people to sign up for credit cards through Target which before my transformation, was almost impossible for me. I would just get a stoic "no" when I asked customers.

So in conclusion, it would appear that my hypothesis was spot-on despite the unexpected variable of my confidence increase, which I didn't even know I was suffering from a lack of. People treated me differently, smiling at me more, complimenting me more, hitting on me, flirting with me, and staring/talking to me longer than usual. My sales have also incresed ten-fold. Hell, yesterday I got a lady to buy an iPod Touch with four accsessories, and a replacement plan, and a couple to sign up for a credit card despite their reservations. People treat you better when you take care and groom yourself. People treat you better when you feel good and look good. People treat you better when you are confident in your own skin, and smile more often.

Making little changes in order to feel good about yourself can never steer you wrong. Have confidence and unleash it on the world! Let this experiment be a little indication on what you can do too!

Make it a great one!



Today

March 17, 2015

I have had an epiphany. I have begun to think that there is nobody out there, at least presently, that is suitable to be with me. I am too busy, too focused. I have my goals and I will make those goals. I'm going back to the gym this week for real. The ONLY reason I haven't is because I was afraid of people making fun of me for "working out wrong." Fuck that. I don't care anymore. I will listen to my music run and lift and not give a damn. I'm focused on my work, my schooling and my ongoing internship. Today I was tasked with booking some radio  interviews for the bossman. He also wants me to completely tackle his PR campaign for a movie releasing in a month anyway I see fit. I got an advanced screening of the movie,  look at me go.

I think I need to wait until I am older to get serious with anyone. What I need is support and I just fear that the people I have considered as my other half aren't the supportive type. I go out of my way to support others, it would be nice is all. If these individuals could prove to me that they would be able to support me and understand that I won't always be there but that doesn't mean I don't care. It doesn't mean I'm not still thinking about them 24/7, it doesn't mean I don't love them. This is the kind of person I need.

I'm just thinking, and scheduling,  and thinking some more. All I hear swimming around in my head right now is: work, PR, intership, MONEY, school,  alcohol, and then fighting with those thoughts are my more human emotions. It's so hard to balance the two sometime.

And I know what you're thinking now. What about sex? Truth is, I don't know; as lame as it sounds I think I care more about the person and the emotional connection then the sex. You know,  yeah it's cool and it feels good but it isn't everything. It's so easy to get drunk and fuck. It's so easy to have sex. But what's hard is making that emotional connection. What's hard, especially for me, is expressing how I feel towards another person. I'll get there someday.

This is what happens when I have school followed by work. I get to thinking.

Laters baby. (Do you get the reference?  I'm so ashamed.)

HWG

Wednesday January 21

I swear I'm a werewolf. No joke. So this morning I woke up to my big, dumb, 100-pound Chcolate Lab, Buster breathing by my face. It was early, and I realized I was awake because I was crouched like a creature glaring at him. I felt myself flip up and onto all fours the second I woke up and it was really fast and bizarre. The ONLY reason I know it was real was because he took off running, and I groaned and rolled over and looked at my phone to see what time it was before falling back asleep. Moral of the story: don't mess with me when I'm sleeping, I will pounce like a tiger. I knew it was going to be a weird day when that's how it started.

         Tonight was strange too. Within five minutes of clocking in at work I was bombarded with a co-worker telling me about how she was going to have a meeting with a DA over her abusive boyfriend/ex-boyfriend thing, the phone was ringing with stupid people on the other line and "Hot Wheels Guy" showed up. I suppose I should backtrack a little bit. The specific co-worker I'm referring to is one of the sweetest girls ever and she's actually hilarious too. That's why I feel  so bad for her when she comes to work crying, or tells me her stories about her boyfriend. The poor thing loves him so much that although he has assaulted her on more than one occasion, and even perforated her eardrum she still stays with him. That kind of love is terrifying. She decided to press charges and got a restraining order against him but they got back together. The first time she told me about this guy hitting her, I was furious. One of the worst things a man can do in this world is hit a woman. It's inexcusable and unacceptable. The craziest thing is that they both had a lot of fucked up shit happen to them and that has built and built and you see what happens. I'm just glad she's trying to get out of that situation. People and relationships honestly freak me out. 

I'm not even going to get into the stupid things people call the store for. It's honestly so unbelievable that people can't look up things for themselves. It's lazy. Hot Wheels Guy is this thirty-something-year-old guy who comes in to Target literally three or four times a week in his USPS uniform and destroys the Hot Wheels aisle. He also heckles whoever is working in the back of the store where Electronics and Toys are located, (usually me) to go into the back stockroom and pull out the bulk boxes of the Hot Wheels. I guess he's like a crazy collector or something, and he like really gets into it. One time, he showed me pictures on his phones of all of his stupid Hot Wheels and the guy literally has at least three of each one. He also told me he goes to all the other retail stores in the area and does the same thing. He's literally so annoying, and I always just smile and do whatever he says to get him out of the store quicker. Apparently this was the wrong way to go and I should've just been a douche because every time I see him now he yells out my name obnoxiously, shakes my hand, and talks to me about his wife. It's weird okay. It's even got to the point where he'll tell other employees and my bosses how great I am, and they're like "Who is he, a friend?" And I'm like "No, that's just Hot Wheels Guy."  

It's literally 3:30 a.m. and I'm laying in my bed watching random episodes of Degrassi. I'm not ashamed to say that I have seasons one through twelve of the show on DVD. Everybody I know makes fun of me for it, but I know deep down they all love it too, or at the very least, they've watched it and not hated it. I am so screwed for my 8 a.m. class next week. True Life: My Sleeping Schedule is Messed Up. 

Blah blah blah

Monday January 12 - Tuesday January 13

Monday was so boring, literally I sat around with Morgan like we usually do and then we went to run some errands and got Bubble Tea. We also got into a staring contest with a rude girl at the café. Morgan was convinced it was because the girl wore her hair natural and Morgan wears a weave, and I was convinced it was because of me, because I looked really great yesterday. 

Today was another mundane day, the big exciting thing today was that I got a haircut, which was actually monumental considering I've been growing out my hair for like half a year. It was important to me though because, I have a pretty exciting job fair tomorrow. Fingers crossed I get a big boy job. I got my Mohawk back after not having one since last spring. I go to this black barbershop in downtown Niagara Falls and all the guys in there are so educated and nice. That's something that's rare for that part of town. It's called Nelson's Hair Studio. I've been going there for well over a year and the owner, Nelson, told me that I better come back with a story to tell next time, because that's apparently what you do at a barbershop. 

Stfu

Sunday January 11

Socially awkward people drive me insane. Of course, I have my own fits of social awkwardness, but it's not anything to the point of people openly disliking me for that specific trait. There's this woman at work, who is just really out there and over the busy Christmas season she was placed in electronics with me and my crew. I felt bad for the poor girl, we were all already established as a group and I almost felt like a male Plastic. (I'm looking at you Gretchen Wieners.) This girl brought everything upon herself though, and it was bad timing due to the stress of the holidays. In retail we refer to that time as "Hell on Earth." 

The big problem with this girl, Stephanie, was that she talked and talked and I definitely mentioned her before. She would talk over customers, butt into conversations and have random anxiety attacks that would leave her in tears. Now, if she hadn't already put all of her business out there, I wouldn't be doing so now. But she did, so there's that. I think she was just lonely so she always had to keep talking in the hopes that someone would listen. Some of us see therapists, others bring their shit to work. She told everybody her issues and let her emotional state become an impact on her work performance daily.

Apparently she showed multiple co-workers scars on her wrists from where she had cut herself due to the stress of her life. She's a mother of three. I just don't think that's responsible parenting. Like, what would your kids do without you, if you're attention seeking ways went awry? That's such a gamble with fate. She also explained to everyone that she was late for work one day because she was getting treated for lice. Um, ew. She had these highs and lows. According to her, she had these meltdowns because she was mixing depression and anxiety medications. And literally, I'm thinking, okay I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't mix fucking meds. 

Which brings me to today. She came to work early for the specific purpose of talking to someone, and lucky me I was taking my break at that exact moment, so I had to listen to it for 20 minutes. I recorded some of it and put it on Snapchat. I didn't feel bad about it either. I understand wanting to air your shit out, but there are times for that and specific people for that too. Everybody's situation is different but good Lord sister, get it together!  

Facebook

Saturday January 10

Facebook is so annoying. I absolutely hate when people at work add me on Facebook, because then I feel obligated to creep on them and then there's nothing left to the imagination. I like it though because it's means that they trust me enough to know them on a quasi-personal level which is really cool. Sometimes, I think about what it was like before Facebook. Before, we had the ability to post everything and be super judged by everyone who sees it. The 90s/early 2000s were a much simpler time. I bring this up because four people from work added me on Facebook in the last week, one of which I blatantly flirt with weekly. The other three have become routine to me and have been incorporated into my weekly habits. We all chit chat about our lives and about the hot gossip going around Target, and usually I try to talk about football to no avail. It's funny, half of Target is really machismo and into sports and the other is more into like the Kardashians. It's a healthy enough blend. I'm right in between that blend. I've also found that a common denominator among the staff is alcohol. That may or may not be a good thing. 

Passion

Wednesday January 7

Paris. It's one of many cities I'm planning to visit before I die. Paris was attacked by terrorists today and twelve people died. Twelve lives. I had no idea until I scrolled through my Twitter feed. When I started college, I was a journalism major, so I suppose my leftover instinct from that time period came out and I dug deep to learn all I could about these attacks. It was devastating. I mean, Paris is supposed to be the picturesque example of love and beauty right?

In lieu of that debacle, tonight at work something really cool happened. A middle aged woman who later told me her name was Laura came in looking for an SD card for her phone. I helped her with that and had to reassure her like seven times, no joke, that it was the right one for her. Then we got to talking and she started to tell me all about how she needs to card because she's a starting musician and she makes YouTube videos. So I did my usual over enthusiastic "wow that's so cool!" It seemed to me that the poor woman barely got complimented because she was elated from my compliments. So much so that she pulled out her phone and asked me if I had time to watch one of her videos. I said yes and I'm glad I did. This woman must be a musical savant or something. She told me that she can memorize pieces by ear, and play them on her keyboard within a couple times of hearing said song. She played this specific video and I was blown away, it was incredible and the way she looked in the video was something else. She was so into her music, so into her passion. It was what she loved to do, that much was evident. The song she played was absolutely gorgeous. After it was over, I was like bouncing with how good it was and I told her to keep it up, and how great it was and how I could tell that it was what she loved. She looked like she was ready to cry tears of joys. It made me happy to see somebody else so happy. I think I might've given Laura the wrong impression because I'm really into eye contact, and so five minutes later while I was fiddling with something on a shelf, she appeared out of nowhere and thanked me again, and kind of barked out her name, and said it was a pleasure meeting me, I kindly said that the pleasure was all mine. She lingered for a moment and I'm thinking, uh-oh she wants me to ask her out. And then, I thought, no way sister, wrong tree, you could be my mother. But she turned and left in a hurry. It was really bizarre, but I'm glad I met Laura. I hope she goes far with her passion.

Retail

Friday January 2

Who ever said working in retail was easy, was a damn liar. With that being said its one of the most interesting experiences of my life. It forces me daily to question the future of the human race. Okay, now that may be a little overdramatic, but really some of the things I see and hear make me either want to laugh hysterically or shake my head in a slow and disappointed kind of way. Or both, at the same time. Retail has also taught me that I have several pet peeves I was not aware of before being put in retail.

Take tonight for example. The first Friday of the month. Usually that would mean payday for most, (such as was the case for myself) or for another part of society, as many of you many know the day before was the day those on welfare and benefits get their, well, benefits and welfare. So that coupled with payday is sure to lead to some kind of chaos. Target was a battle zone, a free-for-all, and a mad frenzy. There was even an extremely loud woman who had an obvious drug problem pushing around a cart with a chihuahua in it. Why was the chihuahua in the cart? Your guess is as good as mine. There was a woman who had twins named Anthony and Antonella. I wonder what their father's name was? When I arrived on the Target scene there was a little boy no older than six playing Maroon 5 songs on the tablet displays and belting out the lyrics at the top of his lungs.  Phone calls rang incessantly, people were getting nasty and rude all around and it was almost anarchy. Overdramatic, I know, I know. By the way, the "Maroon 5 kid" was there for at least half an hour, while his father was off in who knows where. In today's society, leaving my kid for that would've scared the living crap out of me. I don't know maybe I'm just crazy? 

I absolutely cannot stand when people do not use proper manners when calling the store. It never fails to drive me absolutely insane. Sometimes people are just SO rude and inconsiderate, like I am trying to help you, do NOT give me an attitude right off the bat. Speaking of phone calls I am 99.9% sure that I spoke on the phone today with Stephen Hawking, either that or it was one of the most robotic, monotone voices I have ever had the pleasure of hearing.

Another thing about Target is that I work in the Electronics Department exclusively and so people often ask really stupid questions. And I know that sounds bad because "there's no such thing as a stupid question." Except that's wrong and there are totally stupid questions. People asking the price of something when it says right in front of it the price....STUPID. People asking what Wi-Fi is.......STUPID. People asking how to install an air conditioner....STUPID. (True story, it happened once.) The list goes on and on and is endless, but you get the picture. And I can hear you now: "that IS stupid, I would never ask questions like that." Until you do, but I digress.  Another perk of being in Electronics is that I'm by the wall of TVs on their infinite loop. The loops generally consist of commercials and a music advertisement of some sort. Last month it was Idina Menzel's Christmas album, (Did you know she was married to Taye Diggs for 10 years, because I sure as hell didn't.) and this month it's a clip featuring the chorus of It's a Hard Knock Life from the new rendition of Annie. Joy. Every time it comes on I want to hard knock life the shit out of the TVs. 

I feel really bad about this because you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, but let's real, real quick, we all do. So when customers (in Target-land we refer to them as guests, cue eye-roll) come in to the store and they're not looking so hot, I'm not any less kind or welcoming on the outside but internally as they're talking to me I'm usually thinking things like "why would you leave the house like that?" or "oh my gosh, you look like shit, let me help you!" I even feel bad writing it but come on, I know I'm not the only one. I'm not a ten by any means, and I don't always dress up to par, but I don't know when I look bad, I feel bad. But hey, if you have enough confidence to rock that, then by all means do your thing!

Target might one day lead me to a mental breakdown.