Passion

Wednesday January 7

Paris. It's one of many cities I'm planning to visit before I die. Paris was attacked by terrorists today and twelve people died. Twelve lives. I had no idea until I scrolled through my Twitter feed. When I started college, I was a journalism major, so I suppose my leftover instinct from that time period came out and I dug deep to learn all I could about these attacks. It was devastating. I mean, Paris is supposed to be the picturesque example of love and beauty right?

In lieu of that debacle, tonight at work something really cool happened. A middle aged woman who later told me her name was Laura came in looking for an SD card for her phone. I helped her with that and had to reassure her like seven times, no joke, that it was the right one for her. Then we got to talking and she started to tell me all about how she needs to card because she's a starting musician and she makes YouTube videos. So I did my usual over enthusiastic "wow that's so cool!" It seemed to me that the poor woman barely got complimented because she was elated from my compliments. So much so that she pulled out her phone and asked me if I had time to watch one of her videos. I said yes and I'm glad I did. This woman must be a musical savant or something. She told me that she can memorize pieces by ear, and play them on her keyboard within a couple times of hearing said song. She played this specific video and I was blown away, it was incredible and the way she looked in the video was something else. She was so into her music, so into her passion. It was what she loved to do, that much was evident. The song she played was absolutely gorgeous. After it was over, I was like bouncing with how good it was and I told her to keep it up, and how great it was and how I could tell that it was what she loved. She looked like she was ready to cry tears of joys. It made me happy to see somebody else so happy. I think I might've given Laura the wrong impression because I'm really into eye contact, and so five minutes later while I was fiddling with something on a shelf, she appeared out of nowhere and thanked me again, and kind of barked out her name, and said it was a pleasure meeting me, I kindly said that the pleasure was all mine. She lingered for a moment and I'm thinking, uh-oh she wants me to ask her out. And then, I thought, no way sister, wrong tree, you could be my mother. But she turned and left in a hurry. It was really bizarre, but I'm glad I met Laura. I hope she goes far with her passion.

Hookah

Tuesday January 6

I had a bright and early shift today which I love because literally I was done by two and had my whole day ahead of me. Which of course meant that I had the entire day to mostly laze around while my right hand woman was off in Orlando. 

That night I reunited with some old high school friends of mine, who were all sophomores when I was a senior. I had some weird attachment to their class as a senior, I don't know. The four of us decided to go to a hookah bar to catch up and blow O's. I was a little apprehensive about the whole thing because the last time I smoked hookah, I felt like I was gonna pass out, it just gets you really dizzy and lightheaded. The first hookah bar we went to was closed because the other hookah bar in Buffalo owned by the same people had a shooting last night. Some D-list rapper or something was in town and initiated the shooting. The funny thing is, we actually did make it inside the bar, following closely behind a news crew. It was then that the owners kicked us out. With only a few options left, we opted to head to the Habibi Sheesha Lounge in Niagara Falls. 

Half an hour later, we finally sat down on the couches that may or may not have various stains of bodily fluids. The verdict is out the window on that one. All three of the friends I went with moved away for school. The one moved to wherever the hell Alfred State is, the other to boondocks Cortland, and the third of which I am insanely and infinitely jealous moved to New York. I tried my best to represent "B-Lo," and I was pretty pleased with how much I actually enjoy this city. We split the hookahs two and two and in one we had some kind of sex flavor, "Queen of Sex" maybe? And in the other, we had a fruity mix. The waiter asked us if we also wanted bubbles and although none of us understood what he was asking, we all eagerly said yes. The bubbles were some liquid that if you blew the smoke you take in, into it you produced smoke bubbles that bounced and were reduced to vapor when you popped them. It was insanely cool. Cue Instagram pictures and Snapchat videos. 

Hearing about everybody's lives was so fascinating because we were now all adults in the world, it's just such a cool -- okay really quickly, my mom is doing laundry downstairs right now and all I hear coming from her phone is the Dawson's Creek theme song, you know, "I don't wanna wait forever to be over..." Oh my god, I am dying right now.  So yeah, yada yada, it was great to see everyone and although it killed me to ask, I had to find out how New York was so I asked all the questions I had about living in the city, and that particular friend of mine gave me the okay to sleep on her dorm floor anytime. Which did I mention, is in the Upper East Side! XOXO Dan Humphrey. (Spoiler Alert) 

By time we left, it was close to midnight and we were super hungry. Luckily there's this local taco place open ridiculous hours of the night, and we ate in the dark of the car driving home. After I got home, I did my usual look in the mirror to make sure I didn't look like shit all night, and there was buffalo sauce all over my shirt. I scowled at myself and went to bed. 

Dad

Monday January 5

Life is such a fragile thing you know? It's still crazy to me that Stuart Scott passed away yesterday. He was such an influential part of the sporting world. Even I, who only catches SportsCenter every now and again knew who he was. What I didn't know was that he fought with cancer for seven long years. And that he was only 49. I couldn't even imagine the strength and courage it took to go to work everyday and live each day to its fullest with that kind of struggle going on. I have so much respect for that man and for people who are fighters like that. That is the kind of man I am aspiring to be, someone who is strong, courageous, and a role model to all. I truly think it's important to take a moment and think about all the things that really matter each day.

I woke up this morning to an unexpected surprise. My aunt from my father's side of the family sent me a late Christmas gift. I met her for the first time over the summer so this was a huge surprise, there's a lot of history as to why I haven't communicated or kept in touch with my dad's side of the family until now. I'll expand on that later. Anyway, I opened the gift and it was season seven of The Big Bang Theory...... I HATE The Big Bang Theory. Or so I thought. I have it playing on my television in the background as I write this and I literally just had to pause it because I'm laughing at their jokes and enjoying it. It's so cool how something I thought I disliked actually turned out to be something I could enjoy. It's like when you're younger and as you get older your taste buds change. Growth and all that jazz....... And now Chicago is playing in my head in a loop of All That Jazz and Cell Block Tango. Good Lord. 

I went to the mall with a good friend of mine today for boots and walked out at least $120 poorer and with more shirts and underwear then the one pair of boots I did buy.  It was alright though because this particular friend of mine is the one I know I can go to when I want a really good shit talking session. If you don't have one of those, get one! It's honestly therapeutic. Shit talking is one of the best pastimes you can have in my honest opinion because then when you see the person you shit talk about, it makes it a lot easier to be cordial to their face. 

Now the part I know you've been waiting for, my familial drama. My "daddy problems," if you will. Where to begin, well, let's begin at my birth. (All of this comes from my mother who I absolutely trust completely, so I know 100% it's the truth) My father was not there when I was born. In fact, I wasn't even planned. When my mom was 16 she met my dad who was 23. According to her, he saw her across the dance floor at whatever club they were at. He approached her and they started dating for three years. At the time of my conception, they were still together but apparently broke up right after she found out about me. Back to my birth, it wasn't until I was one that my father decided to be my father. Keep in mind, he already had my three older brothers with another woman. And then poof, he disappeared out of my life just as quickly as he reappeared into it. Fast-forward about 6 or 7 years, (I'm not completely sure, I have memory problems when it comes to this time in my life, so I'll recount what I know and what I remember.) he wanted to be back in my life. By this point, my mom was married to who is now her ex-husband, my stepfather, and the father of my three younger siblings. All those years, I thought he was my dad. Nobody ever told me otherwise. So, when I found out about my biological dad, I had to meet him, I think I knew even back then deep down that my stepfather wasn't my dad. I think I knew something was off. So I met my dad for the first time, and things between my stepdad and I were never the same. We would go on to get into screaming matches and fist fights, and just constant bickering well into my teenage years. It was only recently that we both finally petered out and accepted one another. But back to my dad. During the week, I would live with my mom and then on weekends my dad would take me and I would stay with him. This is where things get foggy. During my stay with my dad I met my three older brothers who would also stay on the weekends and my younger brother who lived with my dad full-time. I also met my father's wife. She didn't take a keen liking to any of us older boys, and I remember she would sit on the couch all day, miserable. And then... nothing. I can remember anything and when I try I get these super intense headaches. I think the whole thing traumatized me, being so young and impressionable, and I hope that's all it is, because somewhere deep down I fear that something much more serious happened to me and I just don't know. It makes me want to see a hypnotist and have them recover my lost memories. The weekend visits stopped one day, and I found out a couple of months ago that my mom was the cause behind the visits ceasing. She told me that I used to say that my father's wife was mean to me. I'm terrified to ask her if I said anything else during that time, because if something really bad did happen, I'd rather not remember it. It just scares me. My older brothers continued to visit with my father, and now I work with one of them at Target and he told me that my father told him and my other brothers that I didn't come around anymore because I moved to Florida. Which never happened. Eventually he stopped picking them up on the weekends as well. They all share a deep dislike for him and an even deeper dislike for my father's wife. I don't know how I feel, I used to feel angry, but now I don't feel anything towards the subject, it's like I've been numbed. Unfortunately my brothers and I lost contact and I didn't see them again until I was 18 when my brother was hospitalized for an overdose and we still remained out of contact after that. Now, working with one of my older brothers is the first time I have spoken with and felt connected to them in almost a decade and a half. I saw my father at a basketball game in my senior year of high school and he made me meet all of his friends and was bragging about how I was going to college. I saw him again that summer at an amusement park with his wife, my little brother, and my sister who was born after my father and I parted ways. I remember feeling heartbroken when walking away I could hear the sister that I never met ask "Daddy, who is that?" And now fast-forward again 2 more years. I was 20, when I got the Facebook message that my father was really sick and could possibly die. It was from my younger brother, the one who lives with him. My father was put in a life vest that would shock him back to life if his heart stopped. He began texting me and messaging me on Facebook, and we started talking regularly as any father and son would. I think he realized how much of an ass he had been my whole life, and I decided to forgive him. I let go of all the anger, the resentment, and I forgave him. Our relationship now is healthier then it has ever been. My older brothers are another story, they have zero contact with him. Which brings me to the aunt who sent me the Christmas gift. Over the summer, I met that entire side of the family for what was pretty much the first time, including my grandmother who teared up when she saw me, and told me that she looks at an old picture of me from when I was a boy every day. It was so crazy that all of these people knew me but I didn't know them. Here I am a grown damn man meeting his family for the first time. It's indescribable. 

I think I'm gonna leave it there for today. I'm sorry if it looks like I'm all over the place, which is probably because I kind of am all over the place today. It just feels so weird to have all of that out in the open, but I do this in the hopes that not only people understand me better but that people take something away from reading these entries. And of course for the shock value ;) kidding, kidding.

Concerto

Sunday January 4

After I woke up this morning or rather this afternoon, I saw the new Annie movie. My entire family piled into the car and went to the movies together. It's nice that we can take the time out of our busy schedules to spend time like that together. The movie was freaking adorable. By halfway through I was getting really into it and by the end I was overjoyed. I mean obviously we all know how the tale of little orphan Annie ends but getting to that ending was worth the ride. 

Target was super dead, but my ride home definitely wasn't. The song of the night was a tie between Grand Theft Autumn by Fall Out Boy and Showstopper by Brandon and Leah. Such a weird combination but both songs are fantastic, I definitely recommend listening to them if you haven't. You know, I went to a Fall Out Boy and Paramore concert of the summer and it was one of the best concerts I have ever been to. I mean the weather was shitty and rainy but that totally added to the experience, that and the fact that I was under the influence. I went with a couple of my friends and my friend's cousin from LA. The LA cousin drove and when we were nearly to the amphitheater she whips out a bag of pot cookies. Now, back in high school I was the occasional pot smoker but it's never been my cup of tea, I much prefer more liquid forms of entertainment. But on this particular day I was feeling pretty ballsy, and so when she asked if we wanted any I said "hell yes!" I ate three in total. I've heard that edibles effect you harder than smoking, but I had no idea how right that notion was. LA cousin said that the marijuana in the cookies was from a distillery that her friend frequents so it was some strong shit. Throughout Paramore's set list I simply grinned and swayed back and forth, it was unreal. By the time Fall Out Boy came out it had worn off for the most part and I "raged" with the rest of the crowd. I love concerts because of the energy all around. I mean, you can just feel the electricity in the air as everyone is hyped up on their love of music, and in those few hours a bond is formed among the audience. 

Man, reading this whole thing back is putting me right to sleep. Boring entry for a boring day I suppose.       

Self-Image

Saturday January 3

Target was pretty dead tonight, it was a nice welcome in lieu of the chaos that was yesterday. There wasn't anything too out of the ordinary tonight. I mean of course apart from the occasional rambling crazy person about God only knows what, questioning my credibility, which in retrospect is actually pretty common. It's almost like some customers only want to start problems with me simply because I'm giving them the answer they don't want to hear so obviously I must not have any idea what I'm talking about right? Right. On the opposite side of that spectrum however, a kind Canadian man gave me some words of encouragement once he heard about my academic pursuits. He said: "You are very bright, for you to be able to handle all that you do, don't ever settle; your better than that." I didn't catch his name, but I won't forget his words anytime soon. 

The song of the night was one of my most favorite songs ever and so my ride home probably made it look like I was having an epileptic episode to other drivers. That song is.... ready for it? Sexyback by Justin Timberlake. Nobody will ever understand my love for that song; hell I don't even understand it. There was one other thing I was doing that might have been incurring the looks I was getting at the red lights. I was throwing one dollar bills around my car and dancing with them. Honestly, this is semi-embarrassing and I can't believe I'm writing this, except that I can because my level of shame is almost nonexistent but one of my big dreams in life is to be a stripper on a stage for just one night where they play all the good jams and I just have a good time in my underwear and women and men (if they're into that) throw singles at me. It's such a bad dream to even have but I really just want to see what it's like, but I definitely feel like I would start giggling uncontrollably in the middle of my routine.   

Which brings me to the big thought I have had all day today: I have to get into shape, and quickly. My mom told me a few days ago that we as a family are all going on a cruise in the beginning of May. The timing is perfect since I'll just be wrapping up the semester. The cruise is leaving from Orlando and going to Costa Maya, Mexico, Cozumel, Mexico, Belize, and Honduras. So that gives me four solid months to turn my flab into abs. Challenge accepted. It's gonna be hard but hopefully I can stick to it, honestly I've had to tone up and get into shape for years and this cruise is the perfect incentive. Growing up, my weight was always an issue. It was an issue to the point that my childhood pediatrician who I will refer to by her first name Usha ( Pronounced Oooo-SHA) because it's fun to say, referred me to a nutritionist whom I never saw. Usha would tell me visit after visit that I had to switch my habits and that I was on the track for diabetes, and then one day I was about 250 pounds. At age 15. I was in XXL shirts and 40 waist pants. I had to have ultrasounds done on my heart and blood taken because my cholesterol was so high that it was effecting the way my heart was working. I was 15 and I was terrified. And so I decided to make a change at all costs. Being a young, stupid kid I took what I thought was the easy route: I started to starve myself, and run/walk on one of those Gazelle workout machines we had in the basement. It was the summer before my sophomore of high school by this point and I would sleep all day, wake up at night and work out on that stupid machine, and barely eat enough to get by. I would usually chew gum instead of eating.  So I started my sophomore year like this. At this point in my life I would often be made fun of for a number of reasons. Reason number one: there were always rumors circulating that I was gay because I never had a girlfriend. This was because of my extremely low self-esteem. Due to this I often questioned myself and it made my teenage years all the more confusing. I was made fun of because of my weight, and I was made fun of because of my race. I went to a predominately white high school so the kids were generally insensitive towards what I was. They would make little jokes about my skin color or say something about black people and then say "oh sorry! I forgot you were there,"'or "I forgot you were black!" I blame the parents. I mean I'm only half-black, but damn! There's a whole list of things I could write about what people said about or to me leading up to my junior year, but that is something for another day. Tangent over, sorry those happen extremely often. Where was I? Oh yeah, so I noticed that I wasn't losing or gaining anymore weight, I was stagnant. I realized that this was because of my extremely low level of physical activity. I lost the weight by playing sports for the first time in eight years when I joined the rugby team at age 17. I joined rugby specifically because it was a "tough sport" and slowly those nasty rumors started to die down and the reinvention of myself began. I've been steadily losing weight since, (aside from a brief stint in my freshman year of college where I was eating fast food daily as a result of acute depression; but again, different story for a different day.) and am now a size M shirt and a 32-33 waist in pants.  Now the time has come for me to tone that shit up.

If you're still with me, I really appreciate it. Somehow my basic notion of getting in shape became this tirade about days long past. It's just that people are constantly asking me how I lost the weight, well that's the ugly truth. I realized what I had to do, I went about the wrong way, then the right way for the wrong reasons, and ended up where I am now. There isn't a lesson to be learned here, nothing is that black-and-white, but this is the truth.

Sitting here now as today becomes tomorrow, I'm watching my little brother Eli play his video games and I see so much of myself in him it's surreal. He'll be seven in a couple of weeks and I hope he'll be one thousand times stronger than I was and I'll definitely be here for him to help him along the way.

Retail

Friday January 2

Who ever said working in retail was easy, was a damn liar. With that being said its one of the most interesting experiences of my life. It forces me daily to question the future of the human race. Okay, now that may be a little overdramatic, but really some of the things I see and hear make me either want to laugh hysterically or shake my head in a slow and disappointed kind of way. Or both, at the same time. Retail has also taught me that I have several pet peeves I was not aware of before being put in retail.

Take tonight for example. The first Friday of the month. Usually that would mean payday for most, (such as was the case for myself) or for another part of society, as many of you many know the day before was the day those on welfare and benefits get their, well, benefits and welfare. So that coupled with payday is sure to lead to some kind of chaos. Target was a battle zone, a free-for-all, and a mad frenzy. There was even an extremely loud woman who had an obvious drug problem pushing around a cart with a chihuahua in it. Why was the chihuahua in the cart? Your guess is as good as mine. There was a woman who had twins named Anthony and Antonella. I wonder what their father's name was? When I arrived on the Target scene there was a little boy no older than six playing Maroon 5 songs on the tablet displays and belting out the lyrics at the top of his lungs.  Phone calls rang incessantly, people were getting nasty and rude all around and it was almost anarchy. Overdramatic, I know, I know. By the way, the "Maroon 5 kid" was there for at least half an hour, while his father was off in who knows where. In today's society, leaving my kid for that would've scared the living crap out of me. I don't know maybe I'm just crazy? 

I absolutely cannot stand when people do not use proper manners when calling the store. It never fails to drive me absolutely insane. Sometimes people are just SO rude and inconsiderate, like I am trying to help you, do NOT give me an attitude right off the bat. Speaking of phone calls I am 99.9% sure that I spoke on the phone today with Stephen Hawking, either that or it was one of the most robotic, monotone voices I have ever had the pleasure of hearing.

Another thing about Target is that I work in the Electronics Department exclusively and so people often ask really stupid questions. And I know that sounds bad because "there's no such thing as a stupid question." Except that's wrong and there are totally stupid questions. People asking the price of something when it says right in front of it the price....STUPID. People asking what Wi-Fi is.......STUPID. People asking how to install an air conditioner....STUPID. (True story, it happened once.) The list goes on and on and is endless, but you get the picture. And I can hear you now: "that IS stupid, I would never ask questions like that." Until you do, but I digress.  Another perk of being in Electronics is that I'm by the wall of TVs on their infinite loop. The loops generally consist of commercials and a music advertisement of some sort. Last month it was Idina Menzel's Christmas album, (Did you know she was married to Taye Diggs for 10 years, because I sure as hell didn't.) and this month it's a clip featuring the chorus of It's a Hard Knock Life from the new rendition of Annie. Joy. Every time it comes on I want to hard knock life the shit out of the TVs. 

I feel really bad about this because you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, but let's real, real quick, we all do. So when customers (in Target-land we refer to them as guests, cue eye-roll) come in to the store and they're not looking so hot, I'm not any less kind or welcoming on the outside but internally as they're talking to me I'm usually thinking things like "why would you leave the house like that?" or "oh my gosh, you look like shit, let me help you!" I even feel bad writing it but come on, I know I'm not the only one. I'm not a ten by any means, and I don't always dress up to par, but I don't know when I look bad, I feel bad. But hey, if you have enough confidence to rock that, then by all means do your thing!

Target might one day lead me to a mental breakdown.

New Years

Thursday January 1

Here we are 2015! 2014 was a rather eventful year for me, so much happened and I really learned a lot about myself and what I want and who I want to be. We are always told to embrace our differences, and I am finally beginning to do just that. Somehow over the course of the year, I became an "anti-conformist." But honestly enough of that boring, mundane shit. Let's talk about last night. Last night got a little too real and it was the first time in a long time that I have felt like the 21-year-old college student that I am. I guess I should start at the beginning.

Since summer I had this grandiose plan for New Years but of course life happened, and those plans fell through. Basically what it boils down to is that I forgot to request off of work, stupid I know. I work at Target and as far as jobs go, it's not difficult at all. I'm in the Electronics department so basically I get to be the geek I was born to be on a daily basis. One of my favorite pastimes is explaining Wi-Fi to the elderly. Veering away from my Target tangent, (check out that alliteration, huh?) the New Years Eve plan was as follows: get a huge group of people together, get a hotel room and split the cost of the room and booze all around. Said room would be in the heart of Downtown Buffalo so it would only be a quick skip and a step to see the ball drop at midnight, then beneath the display of fireworks and among the cheering and screaming I would share my very first New Years kiss with a complete stranger, who would then come back to the room with us and we would talk until sunrise and then go out for coffee, or have sex. In either order. That was the plan. Sounds perfect right?  Instead, I worked until Target closed at 9 p.m. And I went to a friend's house to hang out with her and another friend. The three of us literally hung out as we usually would and it was so average. It wasn't what I hoped for but that doesn't necessarily mean it sucked. I've begun to accept that as I grow older unless you really put the effort into something usually it'll end up boring at some point. 

I decided to play with the cards I was dealt and I still had half a bottle of Bacardi Mango Infusion leftover from Thanksgiving break. It was one of those really large bottles, you know? So with that bottle in hand  I set off to my friend's house totally expecting to return home that night. I should've known better. Once I arrived both of my compadres were just lounging on the couches in the living room. I could tell with a glance that one of them was already trashed. They had drunk a bottle of wine while I was at work. After the initial greetings we decided to start taking shots. First shot went down too easy, so I did another and then we all came to the joint realization that what we thought was vodka in my bottle was actually water. One of my younger siblings, (who still have yet to own up to it) had taken my alcohol and replaced it with water. By this point I had already made up my mind that I didn't want to be sober tonight, so I took to Google to search for places that were open and sold alcohol. That's how I ended up at a gas station and walking out with an 18-pack of beer and a very large "Mang-O-Rita." Back at the house the "trashed girl," got even trashier to the point that we cut her off and as she reached for the still mostly full Mang-O-Rita I stupidly did what I could to stop her from drinking more: I chugged the whole thing. This was what opened Pandora's Box and from there it was past the point of no return. Beer after beer, I could hear myself starting to make less and less sense with every word that left my lips. And then, midnight struck and through the TV and the two girls all you heard was a chorus of "Happy New Years!" and screaming. I simply sat there in silence staring at the phone in my hands waiting for something, anything. Maybe something from my big crush of the semester, I don't know. I couldn't tell you, I think I was just waiting for something out of the ordinary. And when that didn't come, I tossed my phone aside and chugged three beers in rapid succession. Both girls noticed my shift in demeanor and started to ask me what was wrong, and I kept changing the subject because I honestly didn't know. I think it was because I was comparing what happened to what could've been. From this point I was drunk, and it was enough to dodge their questions and to feign happiness. I was so drunk that I didn't even care when both decided to go to sleep and I quickly followed suit because the night was over. And that was it. I drove home this morning in silence, hoping that next year isn't so lackluster and that maybe I will get that New Years kiss either from somebody I actually care deeply for or from that magical stranger that would become my destiny.